I’m over Nicole. I’m not into her anymore. Not physically, emotionally, etc. so why the FUCK am I still so fucking jealous when she talks to other girls. I don’t get it. For real. I did the same thing with Kyla. I got SO fucking jealous every time she told me about a new person she liked or was seeing, and I had NO reason to. Yes, she is physically attractive to me still, but so what? She’s a vegan feminist starting her master’s degree in a subject I’m not even close to being interested in. She’s a wonderful girl and great to make out with, which is how I feel about Nicole now (Except for the making out part, because, let’s be honest, I don’t even want her physically anymore), but WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL GET SO JEALOUS?!?!?!?! Do I have to find someone else in order for me to not feel this way anymore?
Like, tonight….what has really thrown me over the edge is that Nicole is texting this girl….Right next to me. I was being nosy and trying to read what they were saying to each other. They flirt super-hard. Nicole told me she was going to happy hour with co-workers tonight, but when she got home, she told me she smoked a cigarette because her friend she was there with went out to smoke and Nicole smoked with her. She said “I felt bad because we’re really close and I haven’t seen her in a while.”—She’s not close with any of her co-workers and she has been seeing all of them all week, so it was a lie. I’d rather her just tell me if she’s out with a girl, rather than lie to my fucking face about it.
This is why I need to get out of the fucking apartment. I can’t handle being around her when she’s on her phone because I immediately get jealous. She gets that same little smirk she would get when she and I were messing around.—The “This is hot and I’m enjoying it” smirk. I see it and I want to flip the fuck out because she’s doing this RIGHT next to me…like I don’t exist. It’s not that I want attention from her…It’s just that I don’t want her talking to other women when I’m around.
I’ve been so fucking stressed lately with school and leaving work and moving to get away from my jealousy that I can’t control most of my life right now. I missed a test ‘cause I completely forgot about it, I just straight-up didn’t go to class the other day because I didn’t feel well and because I learn jack-shit in that class and don’t really care anymore. I’ve skipped like, close to ten assignments in my writing class because they are stupid and pointless to me. My motivation for school has dropped significantly. My classes for next semester fucking blow, but I need to get the shitty courses out of the way while I can.
I went to the doctor today for a routine physical. I’ve gained 10 lbs. since January, which puts me at 225. I weighed 180 when I graduated high school. I’ve put on 45 fucking pounds in 7 years. What the fuck has happened to me?
I can’t concentrate on anything right now. I want to move away. Unplug for a long time and just be alone for a change. I’m afraid if I were to go into solitude that my thoughts would just pick away at me and make me worse, so I avoid it…I push on…but I’m so tired of pushing and pushing and pretending I’m happy but still being in denial of so many things.—some things I don’t even know what I’m in denial about, because the denial is so strong.
I want to start eating better.—but I’m lazy. I want to start exercising.—but I’m lazy. At least I know I don’t want to start dating again since I feel like a fat fucking whale and will be 25 and living with my parents in a week. It feels so degrading to me…25 and I live in my parents’ basement and have a fucking curfew. Fucking kill me, please. I’m afraid they’re going to treat me like a child and it makes me feel so awkward.—even when I’m home for a holiday…I feel like I’m looked at as a child. My parents don’t seem trusting of me with Henry and Raegan…like they need to watch over me while I’m playing with them. I feel like I have to regress back to childhood and ask permission to do anything, or explain myself for any of my actions. I don’t want to be a child again, or treated like one, but I need to save money for school, so I need to bite my cheek and roll with it.
I hate the feeling of not knowing where I will be in a year, let alone six months. I hate the uncertainty life always has. I can’t feel stable without knowing…or at least without having a really fucking good idea of where I’ll be.
I want to hit things. Break shit with a baseball bat and scream and blast rock music and drive cars ridiculously fast and dangerously around corners…pretending I’m someone I’m not. That I’m exciting. That I’m alive. That I’m worth it to SOMEONE.
The only three reasons I have to feel motivated to be alive and trying is so my parents don’t have to bury their kid, so that I can watch Henry and Raegan and any other nieces and nephews I have grow and learn and become their own person and hopefully help them on that path. And the third reason is because I am completely scared shitless of death. It used to be truly comforting to me when I was younger and actually truly suicidal, but now, not knowing what will happen…is the worst. I have panic attacks about death. My chest gets tight. I can’t breathe. I break out in a sweat. Knowing that someday, I’m going to die and my body will start to rot until I am burned into ash is so fucked up to me. I will be nothing. I will be just someone’s vague memory. Everything will go black. Done. Emptiness.
This is where I am jealous of people who believe in God and heaven, because at least they have a belief that there is something waiting for them when they die…white puffy clouds, their family and closest friends smiling and surrounding them when they get to heaven. I am in no way shape or form religious. I think it’s a crock of shit, to be honest…but all of these people, all of these fucking people, who believe in God and Jesus and the everlasting love…they aren’t necessarily less-afraid of death, but they are more accepting of it…having this belief of going to somewhere better once their body gives in. I want something like that. I want that belief of happiness…that “passing on” is real and I will go to somewhere like a version of heaven for the atheists like me. I’ve tried imagining it to calm my nerves…to not panic about my eventual but never the less, demise.—but I can’t. Nothing comes. I know it’s not real, to me or anyone else.
I know this has gone all over the fucking place…my rant writings…but that’s how it works best for me. I am able to get things out as I feel them and need to get them out. I feel a sliver of an amount better. It may just be that I’m tired and want to shut down my brain, or maybe it is because I have truly decompressed at least a little bit, but either way…I need to be done with this for the night.
'What kind of overalls does Mario wear?'
Yep, I laughed out loud
I love the “oh no” like he fucking knows he’s going to hear a shitty ass joke
this is the stupidest fucking joke in the world but i laugh every fucking time without fail
Canada’s response to Russia’s ban on “gay propaganda” via Brilliant Ads
Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.
I don’t friend zone people, I relationship zone them. You wanna be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The stars of “Spring Breakers 2.”
Goldilocks kinda looks like Chloe Sevigny there a little…mmmnnnnn
I’m afraid how much I want to sleep with someone else when I’m in a committed, mostly-happy relationship.
I’m not sure what to do, especially when I work (and becoming a great friend) with one of the girls I want to sleep with.